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Dear lady, $14 is crazy for an airport sandwich but complaining to the counter guy is like telling a cop to pull troops out of

Whoever coined the phrase "smooth as a baby's bottom" must have been a real creep. — Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) October 17, 2013 via http://twitter.com/kumailn

I was only in Portland for five minutes before seeing a woman add her own breast milk to her tea. A new record! — Shari

Is it possible to eat oatmeal and not feel a little like a prisoner? — Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) October 15, 2013 via http://twitter.com/JimGaffigan

Cialis. For When You Need to Fuck Your Wife After You Both Paint a Bench, I Suppose. — Miah St. Cyr (@MiahSaint) October 15, 2013

Enough with trying create a universal remote control. How about one that bounces? — Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) October 14, 2013 via http://twitter.com/JimGaffigan