I was dropped from the bomb squad after they saw me open a can of biscuit dough. — Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) November 24, 2013 via
Not saying your kid is a brat but I just saw an Oompa Loompa blow into a pitch pipe. — rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) November 23,
When someone posts "I have the best hubby in the world" on Facebook, I immediately think about how their Dateline episode is gonna end. —
Every word in the Bible is literally true. Then they start grouping themselves into sentences and you've got yourself a problem. — God (@TheTweetOfGod) November
Guess it's time to switch out the jar of sun tea on the front porch for a jar of sun eggnog. — Tim Siedell (@badbanana)
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims' hands into turkeys this time of year. — Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 22,
This probably wasn't the clearest font to use.. pic.twitter.com/Bf3JDGADxn — Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) November 22, 2013 via http://twitter.com/rickygervais
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