If Ke$ha had a Roomba, I bet it would get constantly clogged with sweaty glitter. — Betty F*ckin' White (@BettyFckinWhite) May 7, 2014 via http://twitter.com/BettyFckinWhite
Winnie the Pooh's full name is Winston the Feces VII — Michael (@Home_Halfway) May 7, 2014 via http://twitter.com/Home_Halfway
Whoa, has this ever happened to you? I went to bed really early and now I'm awake and my eyes don't even burn. Should I
I was bragging about my niece and someone asked how old she is and I was like… uh. 8? 14?… Look, the point is she
kid: I'll be the mom you be the dad me: does that mean i can leave? #nailedit — Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) May 6, 2014 via http://twitter.com/hellolanemoore
Happy penis to Sigmund Freud. What? No, I'm pretty sure I said "birthday." — rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) May 6, 2014 via http://twitter.com/DJRotaryRachel
"Shhhh. We're hiding from Paula Cole." -cowboys — Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) May 3, 2014 via http://twitter.com/AaronFullerton
How is every elevator floor not covered in 2 inches of boogers — Scott Simpson (@scottsimpson) May 6, 2014 via http://twitter.com/scottsimpson
OK, no more fooling around. I can eat one more cookie and then I really need to keep watching TV — Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May
I'm making my famous three alarm chili. Alarm 1: What kind of meat is this? Alarm 2: Is that a fingernail? Alarm 3: Why am I so sleepy?