Applebee's waitress keeps asking "How are you guys hanging in here?" which feels Applebee's appropriate — shelby fero (@shelbyfero) September 21, 2013 via http://twitter.com/shelbyfero
Kids. When I was their age, I was just as lazy but over time I've subconsciously constructed a false heroic narrative about myself — Brian
Funniest thing of the day, by @daveshumka: "This new iOS icon looks an awful lot like you-know-who." http://t.co/bGWxSjALnc — Scott Simpson (@scottsimpson) September 21, 2013
I'll buy kids beer unless they call me ma'am then I'm drinking a forty in front of them while I rub my drivers license on
Who put chocolate in my peanut butter? Who put peanut butter in my chocolate? Who put shellfish in my coffee? Who IS the allergy killer?
Running for president of my sorority on a platform of fiscal responsibility and Taylor being a dirty skank. — shelby fero (@shelbyfero) September 8, 2013
I worked at a Chili's when I was in college which is so embarrassing, I usually just tell people I was a stripper. — Jenny
When One Direction sings "the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed" it means their penis is hard and they want to put
"It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!" Whatever. The point is, it was two people with contemporary American names. — God (@TheTweetOfGod) September