"Play your cards right and you may contain peanuts." – Mr. Peanut's online dating profile — Betty F*ckin' White (@BettyFckinWhite) April 28, 2014 via http://twitter.com/BettyFckinWhite
My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes. — Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) April 28, 2014 via http://twitter.com/thepatrickwalsh
How about instead of saying "kudos" you just give me a chocolate-covered granola bar. — Paige (@PeachCoffin) April 27, 2014 via http://twitter.com/PeachCoffin
When Prince told everyone to party like it's 1999 he probably didn't mean "Drink Mike's Hard Lemonade and dance to Third Eye Blind 'Jumper'" —
Just beautifully parallel parked a U-Haul on the first try. If that doesn't earn me my second ball back, I don't know what does. —
Frank Zappa not naming one of his kids Bug feels like a real missed opportunity — Paige (@PeachCoffin) April 27, 2014 via http://twitter.com/PeachCoffin
Saw a red-headed chef and boy did my bobbyflaydar go off. — Tim Siedell (@badbanana) April 26, 2014 via http://twitter.com/badbanana
Is there anything more counterintuitive than getting takeout from Hooters? — Susie Meister (@susie_meister) April 25, 2014 via http://twitter.com/susie_meister