To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon. — Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) September 27, 2013 via http://twitter.com/shariv67
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw orgies. — God (@TheTweetOfGod) September 27, 2013 via http://twitter.com/TheTweetOfGod
I wonder if guys who say they're gonna "crush pussy" realize drunkenly eating Taco Bell then passing out on a futon isn't "crushing pussy." —
Girl, are you my Beanie Baby collection because I'd need at least five plastic containers to store you under my bed. — Tim Siedell (@badbanana)
I don't mind being the friend everyone feels comfortable talking about shitting with, but know that I never sought it out. — shelby fero (@shelbyfero)
"Tea party" used to refer to children serving an imaginary solution to stuffing-headed friends in a make-believe world. And it still does. — God (@TheTweetOfGod)
Just did yoga for FOUR hours. (Corpse pose on couch.) — Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) September 25, 2013 via http://twitter.com/RobinMcCauley
The most blessed aspect of my God-given free will is that if I don't use it in the exact way He requires, He'll torture me
In America, you have the right to be judged by a jury of your peers, which can somehow include people who order wine at Chili's.
Man is the only animal that makes it's own fondue. — blake (@Leemanish) September 18, 2013 via http://twitter.com/Leemanish