So many Jehovah's Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah's Evidence. — God (@TheTweetOfGod) September 1, 2013 via http://twitter.com/TheTweetOfGod
A lot of women are embarrassed about pooping but I'm actually really good at it — Alli Reed (@alliperson) September 1, 2013 via http://twitter.com/alliperson
the quickest way to a man's heart is to learn that there is no heart only a penis concentrate on that — Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah)
Tomorrow my youngest, craziest kid turns five. To think, only a few years ago she was a sweet, sweet orgasm. — kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) August
Don't think about the candy in my purse don't think about the candy in my candy don't candy about the candy candy candy candy —
How long does it usually take for Percocet to hobo reindeer — matt (@biorhythmist) August 28, 2013 via http://twitter.com/biorhythmist
Got peanut butter on my trackpad so now I know what a trackpad tastes like. — matt (@biorhythmist) August 28, 2013 via http://twitter.com/biorhythmist
Though I do not answer your tweets, know that I read them all, and that their kind words make Me wish I did not have
Just woke up refreshed and excited to start getting ready for bed. — shelby fero (@shelbyfero) August 24, 2013 via http://twitter.com/shelbyfero
SENTENCES YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR 1. "Your child has been in an accident." 2. "Um, that's the cheese grater I use on my foot calluses." —