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I'd like to think that when pedophiles hang out one of them always asks to see the kids menu and they all have a good

Reconnect with the true spirit of Christmas by doing a virgin in a barn. — Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) December 11, 2013 via http://twitter.com/shariv67

Any car can be used as a glider and then a submarine for a few beautiful seconds if you just stay positive in a tough

Overheard at Whole Foods TINY GIRL: Mommy, what's a vegetawian? MOM: They don't eat things with eyes. TINY GIRL: What about batatos? MOM: Um — o holy peach (@PeachCoffin)

Your honor I would like to call Shakira's hips to the stand — o holy peach (@PeachCoffin) December 8, 2013 via http://twitter.com/PeachCoffin

Bought a fake rock to hide a key in by the door of my 3rd floor apartment before I actually thought about it for more

Damn it's cold out. Better wear a coat, hat, gloves & boots. Sorry legs, you're still getting pants only, thanks for doing all the work