"Collection-of-orifices-being-held- together-with-skin" seeks fellow "flesh- sac-with-openings" for "putting things in eachother's holes". — Maggie Mull (@IAmMaggieMull) June 25, 2014 via http://twitter.com/IAmMaggieMull
I’m glad it's okay to call it “Les Mis” because I can't remember when to stop pronouncing “Miserables” (after the b? after the e? fuck
If 2 dads see each other wearing a "World's Best Dad" t-shirt, they have to duel to see who can unclip a cellphone from their
I've tweeted this chart before but it's particularly appropriate today. Happy Father's Day, everyone. pic.twitter.com/52x8A2CJJM — God (@TheTweetOfGod) June 15, 2014 via http://twitter.com/TheTweetOfGod
Advice from my dad: When your check engine light comes on, don't simply try to ignore it. Cover it up completely with black electrical tape. —
"Take me now or lose me forever" – Strawberries the day you bought them — Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) June 15, 2014 via http://twitter.com/MaraWritesStuff
“Just take that old-time rock, and roll.” -the Seeg instructing Sisyphus — Paige (@PeachCoffin) June 14, 2014 via http://twitter.com/PeachCoffin
Yo momma's so fat, she weighs 375 pounds, the majority of which is weight from her fat. — Elle (@ElleOhHell) June 14, 2014 via http://twitter.com/ElleOhHell
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Not to question The Lord or anything, but it really feels like we only needed one kind of squash. — Jason Miller (@longwall26) June 9,