Tag: Twitter

"'Peacock' is like compound profanity with 'pee' and 'cock', but it's also true because you pee out of your cock. Crazy." – My kid —

Just saw Shakira dancing in an Activia yogurt commercial. Now I'm picturing Shakira sitting on a toilet, waving her arms around and pooping. — Jenny

Welcome to college! That money looks heavy, let me hold it. Are you tired? Get used to it. Do you have a therapist? Don't worry,

House Hunters: “We’re looking for a spacious 9 bedroom beachfront home made of iPhones where Bjork will raise our kids. Our budget is $800.” — Rob

House Hunters: Buyer: Our MAX budget is $400k Realtor: Perfect! I found a house with no roof & is in a swamp but best of all its

Hobbies include: overanalyzing future events to make sure they're ruined BEFORE they arrive. — Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 21, 2014 via http://twitter.com/KevinFarzad

Put That Persistent Dry Cough To Work And Get Fabulous Beach-Ready Abdominals In Only 10 Days — Amanda Mancino (@Manda_like_wine) April 21, 2014 via http://twitter.com/Manda_like_wine

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies — God (@TheTweetOfGod)

if being passed out for 3 days & woken up by a prostitute is the criteria i know a lot of guys who are more

We Built This City On The Bones Of Paul by Vatican Starship — rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) April 20, 2014 via http://twitter.com/WookieOnUnicorn