Ant problem in my basement so I sprayed some Axe on them to try and kill them and now they’re bench pressing my cats and
"I'd like you to meet my half sister." "Different fathers?" "Shark attack." — Shimmersteak (@Shimmersteak) March 11, 2014 via http://twitter.com/Shimmersteak
"Length times width," says area expert. — Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) March 10, 2014 via http://twitter.com/TheThomason
The hardest part about knowing stuff is having to pretend you don't know stuff so nobody notices you. — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 19, 2014 via
Hoarders: We May Be Living In Squalor But Guess What We're Homeowners And You're Not — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 17, 2014 via http://twitter.com/OhNoSheTwitnt
Here in the South they refer to light snowfall as a "glaze" or a "frosting" because obesity. — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 17, 2014 via http://twitter.com/OhNoSheTwitnt
"They're fortified!" I tell myself, mentally converting the Cocoa Puffs into vegetables. — Molly Manglewood (@undeadmolly) March 16, 2014 via http://twitter.com/undeadmolly
Our family crest is a child's jacket on the floor right next to a row of hooks. — Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 15, 2014 via
Yeah baby that's a canvas tote full of kale—you gonna drop your Lulu's now or should I whisper to you about Radiolab for a little