When I need to achieve a long-term goal, I simply play a Kenny Loggins song and let a montage do the work for me. —
Just ate the bottom powder from a box of Frosted Flakes and now I can fly over canyons. — Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) October 29, 2013
Hey if you guys have any questions about my dental hygienists' kids, I am now up to speed in a BIG way. — Ken Jennings
my fantasy football team is so good they even get some baseball points even though they primarily do football — Jacy CatDracula (@ieatanddrink) October 29,
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables. — Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) October 28, 2013 via http://twitter.com/JimGaffigan
Trick or treating is just a pub crawl for people who don't know about booze yet. — Thomas Lennon (@thomaslennon) October 27, 2013 via http://twitter.com/thomaslennon
Me: "I have my own podcast." My son: "You mean you have a microphone and a computer?" He gets it. — Scott Simpson (@scottsimpson) October 26,
I imagine death will be like sleeping but without my two-year-old son kneeing me in the back. — Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) October 26, 2013 via