See, I Can Share!

I’m glad it's okay to call it “Les Mis” because I can't remember when to stop pronouncing “Miserables” (after the b? after the e? fuck

If 2 dads see each other wearing a "World's Best Dad" t-shirt, they have to duel to see who can unclip a cellphone from their

I've tweeted this chart before but it's particularly appropriate today. Happy Father's Day, everyone. pic.twitter.com/52x8A2CJJM — God (@TheTweetOfGod) June 15, 2014 via http://twitter.com/TheTweetOfGod

Advice from my dad: When your check engine light comes on, don't simply try to ignore it. Cover it up completely with black electrical tape. —

"Take me now or lose me forever" – Strawberries the day you bought them — Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) June 15, 2014 via http://twitter.com/MaraWritesStuff

“Just take that old-time rock, and roll.” -the Seeg instructing Sisyphus — Paige (@PeachCoffin) June 14, 2014 via http://twitter.com/PeachCoffin

Yo momma's so fat, she weighs 375 pounds, the majority of which is weight from her fat. — Elle (@ElleOhHell) June 14, 2014 via http://twitter.com/ElleOhHell