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When my husband screams in the bathroom, it's either because he forgot he ate beets or I lost some Lee Press-On Nails in his ass

"Calendar. Vertical line, vertical line, dash, backwards seven, teepee. Calendar." -Chinese spelling bee — Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) April 16, 2014 via http://twitter.com/shariv67

When someone tells u to "get a life" they're saying "create a life." Which means they want to have sex & a baby w/ u.

Sorry I didn't text you back I was worried you'd text me again and then we'd be stuck in a conversation — Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov)

3 weeks ago I changed my ringtone to the ice cream truck song. As soon as someone calls me, my kids are gonna go nuts.

Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey is an unfortunate bra size. — Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 14, 2014 via http://twitter.com/LizHackett

Thinking of decorating my bedroom to look like my work cubicle so I can get some sleep. — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 14, 2014 via http://twitter.com/OhNoSheTwitnt