Author: Sean Loos

"They're fortified!" I tell myself, mentally converting the Cocoa Puffs into vegetables. — Molly Manglewood (@undeadmolly) March 16, 2014 via http://twitter.com/undeadmolly

Our family crest is a child's jacket on the floor right next to a row of hooks. — Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 15, 2014 via

I think it'd be worth it to cut off your ears just so you could say "Sorry. Can't hear you. No ears." Nobody'd question it.

Yeah baby that's a canvas tote full of kale—you gonna drop your Lulu's now or should I whisper to you about Radiolab for a little

I model for stock photos in the hope that one day my face will show up in an ad next to the porn my son

My new teapot has arrived!!! Thanks, Ambien!!! pic.twitter.com/jqOW0BMXaO — Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 14, 2014 via http://twitter.com/JennyJohnsonHi5

NEW CONTRACTIONS p'orn -popcorn a'ss -abyss c'um -chrysanthemum an'al -animated special cl'it -clarinet exhibit crem'pie -cremated hippie — Paige (@PeachCoffin) March 14, 2014 via http://twitter.com/PeachCoffin