Category: Twitter

If birth control is murder why can't I rob a church collection basket at pill-point? — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 28, 2014 via http://twitter.com/OhNoSheTwitnt

Parenting tip: Ortho Tri-Cyclen — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 28, 2014 via http://twitter.com/OhNoSheTwitnt

The secret ingredient? Oh I'll tell you, Barbara. Have another bite. Remember when you "lost" your cat? I bought pears that day. It's pears. —

I'm all about not hating your body but there should be an upper limit too. Like maybe don't be SO proud of them floppy boobs

Girl, are you Steven Tyler's microphone stand? Cuz you are wearing a lovely scarf. — Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) January 24, 2014 via http://twitter.com/danielralston

Love at first sight sounds pretty exhausting. You mean I have to go outside AND look at someone. No thanks. I think I'll pass. —

.@robdelaney I goed 2 Colorado and they ar Mary-Janin me. my face a-feel like tickle puddin. #WeHadAGoodRun #adios pic.twitter.com/L3NKJFtlzE — Nick Offerman (@Nick_Offerman) January 22,

Sir, you have cancer. But you also don't have cancer. Linda, bring in Mr. Schrödinger's CAT scan please. — patrick (@tastefactory) January 21, 2014 via

5 year old: "That's a big truck!" "It's a moving truck." "ALL TRUCKS MOVE." Why am I the one that feels like an idiot? — Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy)

I believe the children are our future. I believe I just saw the future call his sister a fart and wipe a booger on her.