Men are just machines you pour beer into until the sex falls out. — Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) June 10, 2014 via http://twitter.com/shariv67
The worst part about having a chain wallet is having to give wallets to 20 other people in an hour or else something bad happens
How To Ask a Girl Out: 1)Approach her 2)Panic 3)Start crying 4)Tears will flood room 5)Make boat 6)Save her from tear flood 7)She'll say yes — Michael (@Home_Halfway) June 9, 2014 via
I may not know what I'm doing with my life, but at least I'm also very poor. — Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) June 9, 2014 via
Might have a kid named Ward so I can collect child support by telling him father to pay it for Ward — Paige (@PeachCoffin) June
When life gives you lemons just use them as a garnish the next time you teach a man to fish. — Paige (@PeachCoffin) June 8,
"Girl, you can call me Tapas because there's a real good chance I'm going to leave you unsatisfied." — Tim Siedell (@badbanana) June 8, 2014
RIP all those babies that died when Amelia Bedelia was told to "baby-sit" them. — Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 7, 2014 via http://twitter.com/KenJennings