Category: Twitter

Hope You're Ready for a Half Hour of Bullshit about an Invisible Dog: A Guide to Your Child's First "Joke" — Jason Miller (@longwall26) December

According to television women live rich full lives from 25-35 and then quietly disappear until their daughter needs them for an episode. — shelby fero

"In my house it's just called a chair," said Def Leppard's drummer to the armchair salesman. — o holy peach (@PeachCoffin) December 18, 2013 via

Sometimes I jokingly call my kids losers. Almost said it at their school, checked myself last second & instead said "OK, let's go, fuckers." —

This girl just said she wants a vegetarian chili dog. Does that mean she wants some bread? — o holy peach (@PeachCoffin) December 17, 2013

Dearest Sharon, I am leaving you. I thought our love was limitless. Like breadsticks. But it was too good to be true. Like endless shrimp.

If you made it through finals week, give yourself a drugs on the back. — Trevor S (@trevso_electric) December 16, 2013 via http://twitter.com/trevso_electric

I like my women how I like my coffee – with K cups. Lol. But seriously, I like single serving coffee and unmanagably large breasts.

How about we call ourselves Rectum Boogie Boarders No How about Anus JetSki Enthusiasts No How about Butthole Surfers Ok — o holy peach (@PeachCoffin) December 15, 2013 via http://twitter.com/PeachCoffin

I miss the days when Facebook was a tool for researching people you wanted to fuck, not seeing which links changed their lives. — Trevor