Category: Twitter

It's so cold out I just saw a guy from Wisconsin put a pair of thermals on under his shorts. — Nic Cage Match (@NicCageMatch)

modern-day Moses descends mountain w/ two microsoft tablets. "OMG" he blogs, "u wont BELIEVE the 10 AMAZING things god doesnt want us to do" —

Before you get married, ask yourself: is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life in jail for stabbing? — Trevor

5 yr old "We get periods, what happens to a penis? What do guys get in their penis?" Me "Nothing." 5 yr old. "OH MAN! OH MAAAAAAAAAN!"

Babies are just tiny milk vampires. — Nic Cage Match (@NicCageMatch) December 11, 2013 via http://twitter.com/NicCageMatch

Boss: [a question] Me: [a correct answer] B: [indignant disbelief] "Can you look it up?" M: [types "ASDFLKJHG" repeats previous answer] — Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) December 12, 2013

I'd like to think that when pedophiles hang out one of them always asks to see the kids menu and they all have a good

Reconnect with the true spirit of Christmas by doing a virgin in a barn. — Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) December 11, 2013 via http://twitter.com/shariv67

Any car can be used as a glider and then a submarine for a few beautiful seconds if you just stay positive in a tough

Overheard at Whole Foods TINY GIRL: Mommy, what's a vegetawian? MOM: They don't eat things with eyes. TINY GIRL: What about batatos? MOM: Um — o holy peach (@PeachCoffin)