The opposite of Reese Witherspoon is KitKat Blossomfork — Paige (@PeachCoffin) May 15, 2014 via http://twitter.com/PeachCoffin
*puts butter, sour cream, and chives inside gun & points it at you* Back off pal this thing’s loaded — Paige (@PeachCoffin) May 15, 2014
[Drive-thru church] "Hey I'd like a large body of Christ with a side of really old candy from grandmas pocket Oh and can I get an
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs — Marpee
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but are equally cool with fucking a rubber vagina hidden inside of a flashlight case. — Ethan T. Berlin (@EthanTBerlin) May 14,
Instead of protesting gay weddings, protest destination weddings. "I BELIEVE MARRIAGE SHOULD BE BETWEEN…1 HOUR & 1.5 HOURS FROM MY HOUSE!" — Louis Katz (@louiskatz)
Guess what came in the mail today? Me! I did! — Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) May 14, 2014 via http://twitter.com/mikeleffingwell
At the airport, looking back and forth between a Popeye’s and a fruit stand as if this decision wasn’t already burned into my DNA —
If you shower every single day, you are basically Audrey Hepburn to me. — Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) May 13, 2014 via http://twitter.com/jenstatsky
The rain, the boogie, the bossa nova, and Garth Brooks’ roots are all in prison awaiting execution for crimes they didn’t commit — Paige (@PeachCoffin)