See, I Can Share!

If a tree falls in the forest and everyone hears it am I gay?that's not right. If I'm gay does a fores- ugh Dad, meet my

The average person consumes eight spiders a year. Twenty-two if they eat at Golden Corral. — Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) June 6, 2014 via http://twitter.com/shariv67

If you need a no-nonsense leader in an emergency situation, find the woman wearing full butt underwear. — Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 6, 2014 via

But what if we CAN’T sleep when we’re dead? Then what? Nap now while you know you can, that's what I'm sticking to. — Gloria

Summertime for a stay-at-home mom must feel like being captured and sent back to Shawshank. — Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 5, 2014 via http://twitter.com/JennyJohnsonHi5

The most beautiful phrase anyone could ever utter to another human being is "It's okay, go back to sleep." — Gennefer Gross (@Gennefer) June 5,

If we weren't meant to put jumper cables on our nipples, then why do I have one red one and one black one — Ken

Must be so crazy watching your kid graduate from high school knowing in a few months they'll be 20lbs heavier and having sex with strangers.

Sex tip: Make taking off your socks sexy by tossing them into the ceiling fan and yelling "Look out! Socks!" — Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) June 3,

I have such a short, irrational temper and I can't be talked down so I bought my husband a spray bottle to use on me.