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The next time you're at a sink with one of those automated soap dispensers, imagine the world's saddest man jizzing in your hand — Scott

On This Day In History: My nipples were about 6 inches higher. — Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) May 26, 2014 via http://twitter.com/shariv67

If it looks like a duck & quacks like a duck & its eyes glow red, it's just a bad batch of our genetically modified

The most dangerous thing I do is probably letting Wolverine finger me. — desi jedeikin (@DesiJedeikin) May 26, 2014 via http://twitter.com/DesiJedeikin

"My body made this smell for you using the gaseous remains of our dinner date."–how to turn an embarrassing fart into a romantic gift. —

My Cabbage Patch doll is 30 now. She has a boring job & an apathetic family. She is however having an affair with a handsome

My parents told me the first time I passed 4th grade was so good, the teacher asked me to do it again so she could