See, I Can Share!

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has

If you consider Sunday afternoon to be part of the weekend clearly you don't have foresight or debilitating anxiety. — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 16, 2014

"One day, Adolph Nabisco fell tongue-first onto a welcome mat…" pic.twitter.com/gwHGVcAuad — matt prindle (@Psquatch) February 13, 2014 via http://twitter.com/Psquatch

I got 99¢ generic jelly beans. Flavors so far: - wet dog who smokes cloves - burning Strawberry Shortcake doll - pennies? - attic semen — Molly Manglewood (@undeadmolly)

tape a carrot to the back of your tie from kohls so you have something to crunch during a funeral or other thing — Carrot

Hey hotels with 11am checkout: WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A FARMER — Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 15, 2014 via http://twitter.com/KenJennings

So do people who go out on weekends not have homes? — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 15, 2014 via http://twitter.com/OhNoSheTwitnt