See, I Can Share!

The bags under my eyes are just for holding the stuff I'd carry in my thigh-gap if it weren't full of thigh. — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt)

My religion: I don't believe in anything but I'll gladly bow my head during your prayer and say amen because I'm not a fuckin dickhead.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone's asleep now. Grab the money. — Jamie

If gridiron were a timeline, w/ Big Bang at one goal, then cavemen to now spans thickness of single turf-blade at other goal. — Neil

Can't wait to have kids 'cause I love spelling to communicate with other adults what desserts are in the fridge — hope cantwell (@hopiecan) February

Just hit the thumb down button on a Coldplay tune and got a "We know, but it was worth a shot" message from Pandora. —