Category: Twitter

Thought "I wish I could just 'like' things people say out loud" before realizing that is what human laughter is for and we're all doomed.

A nanny is someone who takes care of Muppet babies not someone you stick your dick in, Jude Law. #tweetsfrom2005 — Beige (@PeachCoffin) January 2,

"How many light bulbs will it take to change me?" -Person with Seasonal Affective Disorder — Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) January 2, 2014 via http://twitter.com/shariv67

Heard my girlfriend fart in her sleep and then I cut myself pretty bad from jumping out of the window. — Garrett (@GarrettCake) January 2,

If I were that old lady in the diner with Harry and Sally, I'd say "I'll have what HE'S having," because honestly it looks like

The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year

Came up with a cure for depression I call "Eat stuff then play with your genitals" — Princess Anús (@Slashleen) December 31, 2013 via http://twitter.com/Slashleen

The things I want to do to your body are dirtier than the kitchen in an apartment full of straight men. — Trevor S (@trevso_electric)

Next time you're feeling good about yourself, just remember that you didn't do anything to stop Avril Lavigne. You did nothing. — Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham)

i don't think i've ever sexted except one time i sent a guy a picture of pulled pork i guess that counts — lauren ashley