Category: Twitter

Jack White looks like the male version of whatever it was that Michael Jackson was turning into — Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) June 1, 2014 via

Oh you want to go to the swimming pool? You mean the giant bowl of soft porn soup? No thanks satan lover. — NOT A

someone gave me a five dollar starbucks gift card so i'm gonna make a down payment on a frappuccino — whatever. (@hiitsmolly) May 31, 2014

Did you guys who like going to beaches know that you can stay in your house and put chips into your mouth — audrey farnsworth

"I'm so fucked." – what sick kids must be thinking when their favorite athlete walks into their hospital room — Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 30,

I love My followers in India because to make things easier they outsource My job to hundreds of other gods. — God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 30,

It's what's on the inside that counts. Just look at burritos. The outside is plain and ordinary, but the inside is where dreams come true.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I'm the one who put him on a leash. —

What's the mourning period for having forgotten the other half of your burrito at the restaurant? Like three months? — Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) May 29,

FITNESS TIP: Create a reward system to help you work out. For example, do one push-up and then reward yourself by never doing one again.