Author: Sean Loos

I brought a sharpener to the knife fight and made a fucking fortune — Paige (@PeachCoffin) April 18, 2014 via http://twitter.com/PeachCoffin

If SuperShuttle is this crappy, RegularShuttle must be a real shit show — Ed Lee (@smedlee) April 17, 2014 via http://twitter.com/smedlee

Just asked my niece to pick a movie and she yelled, "Disney's Frozen!" and I was like, "No honey, that's just a rumor, he was

When my husband screams in the bathroom, it's either because he forgot he ate beets or I lost some Lee Press-On Nails in his ass

"Calendar. Vertical line, vertical line, dash, backwards seven, teepee. Calendar." -Chinese spelling bee — Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) April 16, 2014 via http://twitter.com/shariv67

When someone tells u to "get a life" they're saying "create a life." Which means they want to have sex & a baby w/ u.

Sorry I didn't text you back I was worried you'd text me again and then we'd be stuck in a conversation — Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov)

3 weeks ago I changed my ringtone to the ice cream truck song. As soon as someone calls me, my kids are gonna go nuts.